These are extracts from my journal to Simone

27/8/97
Pregnancy test this morning. I see two stripes - the positive thing. Carry it around with me all day checking it. All it does is become more definite, more real. So I guess I am pregnant, but will not rejoice/weep yet until hopefully after tomorrow, when the doctor will tell me whether the baby is in the right place. If it is then what. Will I have the courage to be a single mother, because I think that will be the thing. I fear this might ruin a very nice relationship. Yes, but isn't this what I want/wanted. Maybe this is my baby coming back to me. NO - can't start having this relationship yet, not till after tomorrow.

26/9/97
Trixabelle
Alive and well and living in Trevi
Dear Trix
The name is temporary and given to you by my dearest friend and your Aunty Jacqui. Yesterday I had my first glimpse of you and while you seemed very tiny and rather blurry, seeing your little heart beating away inside me made up for all the nausea, heartburn, widening girth, growing rear and seeming loss of brain power that has accompanied our brief relationship. We have been together for 9 weeks now. I have been aware of you for 4 of them and although yesterday you became a reality for me, I want you to know that I love you already.

Mom

7/12/97
Trixabelle
Alive and well and kicking in Trevi
So I'm not a great letter writer my darling. What a strange weekend. You're between 19 and 20 weeks old and today I felt you kicking - Oh Joy - my darling. I just laughed and cried and hugged us both. You feel so strong!! I've thought that I've felt you for a couple of weeks now, but it could also have been gas. Then the other morning it felt more definite, but now, even with my hand on my belly I could feel you. Oh yay!, you're a miracle and I can't wait to see you.

Your expectant Mom.

7/4/98
Dearest Trix
(36 wks and 4 days)
Time is growing shorter and shorter for your arrival and I feel that I have so much to say to you. About how very welcome you are. About how wonderful the people around us have been. I'm sure you can feel that. Not just people giving us (you) gifts, but love and support and laughs. And these people are not just your family, but our friends as well. I hope you will see fit to arrive well and healthy and happy in our little home. It would be a blessing if you did. This house has been a wonderful haven and healing place for me and I hope you will be happy here too. I want you to know that I feel truly blessed that you've chosen to come to me. We've had close calls in the past and now it's going to be real. We're going to get to know each other and I want you to know that I'm going to try and be the best possible mother for you.

I love you and can't wait to hold you.

Your Mom.

25 June 1998
Simone Jasmine,
I've been very bad at this. You're lying and sleeping on the couch next to me. I look at you and you are just the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!

22/7/98
I can't believe another month has gone by. You're stirring from your sleep. I'll pick you up and you'll smell sweet and warm and like the most beautiful thing in the world. I'll try and write some more tomorrow.

4/8/98
Ha ha. Well you're 3 months old today. I'm sorry I'm so bad at this. What this journal is about is letting you know how very special you are to me, how much I love you. You're waking so I'll feed you and try again tomorrow!

10/9/98
A landmark day darling. You've been eating solids for 3 weeks, in the last two days you've been rolling over from your stomach onto your back. You've been laughing for months and have been strange with strangers for a couple of weeks, but none of these are the landmark I'm referring to. Today you saw and felt your first rain - just a little spring shower but how wonderful it was to see your face as you looked up to see where the water was coming from. I love you more and more each day. I didn't think it was possible to feel this much love.

13/9/98
Feel sad and depressed tonight even though we had a fabulous day with Storm. Think it's because I have to return to work on Thursday and I'm going to miss you SO much. I wish I could be a full-time mother. I have loved every minute of my time with you. I know you’ll be fine with Aunty Bettie looking after you, but I'm going to be devastated.

I also think I'm depressed because you're growing so fast. Clothes that I put aside when you were born, because they looked huge, now fit you...all too soon. But I do love you more and more each day. Didn't think that was possible.

Mom

4/11/98
Dear Simone
Happy 6 month birthday sweetheart. I've really been bad about this journal.....Anyway, you're sitting on your own now, also crawling (not very co-ordinated) backwards and forwards. Monday morning you pulled yourself up to standing in your cot. What a beautiful sight, you standing there with shaky legs and a big grin on your face. Your laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world.

You're sleeping the first part of the evening (7:30 - 10:30) in your cot now. You and Aunty Bettie have worked out a good routine and you seem to sleep very well in it. We still sleep together from about 10:30.

I can't believe that only 6 months ago you were born....so little and helpless and weak, Now such a strong girl and everyday, everyday I love you more. You are the joy of my soul.

We went to see Donne before you bath today. It was important for me to make contact with all the people who were home with us when you were born. I phoned Liz and Eleanor and left messages on their machines.

It's 10:14 and I will soon pick your warm, sweet, sleepy body from the cot and take you into bed with me. Then you'll turn to me, Reach for my breast and nurse and I know that I will never feel quite as content with my life as we both drift to sleep.

11/11/98
Dear Simone
Just a short not to announce the arrival of your first tooth today!!!!!

31/12/98
Dear Simone
Well baby, it's the last hour of 1998 and I have a lot of catching up to do. You're crawling like a star now and pull yourself to standing all the time.

Sadly, on December 1st, our Ma Charlotte passed away.

It was strange. We'd gone to bed as normal and suddenly I woke for no reason and then I realised that you were stirring too. I looked at you and you were out of the covers with your head facing the foot of the bed. It was very odd, almost if someone had lifted you out of the bed and then put you down again in a hurry. As I was putting you back under the covers, the phone rang - the call to say that Ma Charlotte had died. It was as if we knew, or you knew...as if she came to say goodbye to you, her guardian angel.

You got you 2nd tooth on the 20th and of course we just had your first Xmas. You were so sweet, laughing at the Father Xmas on the tree! It was the best Xmas because you were the best present of all. Aunt Wiebke and Uncle Stuart are here now and you're awake so we'll see the new year in together. Happy New Year darling.

Letters 1999

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